Worries of a father and son
by Natalie Ryan
Summary: Right when everybody thought that Leonardo would be back to his old self, he is retreating to himself again, which triggers Splinter to talk with him. Father and son voice their worries and come to a conclusion that sometimes you have to tell the other what bothers you. 2003 universe. TMNT currently belongs to Nickelodeon.
1. Worries of a father

Chapter 1-Worries of a father

He's been the big brother. From the moment he was chosen to be the leader he understood the responsibility and his obligations. He was no fool. He was smart. And he loved his brothers and his father. He loved them to no end and that was one of the things that Splinter appreciated about his eldest. No matter what they've been through, the love was ever present.

His wayward son on the other hand was a little intolerrant to those events and people in their lives. He never saw the good in people, just the bad. He was taught by life first hand. The goofy son took everything as a joke, even life, but he was hit from the events too. The smartest of all, well let's just sat that he was too caught up in his science (fiction) projects to realize that life was far more complicated than a mollecule of an athom... and Splinter forgot the rest of the rant his son provided to him when he explained the toughness of the bolt on the door to their new home and the elements that the bolt had in it. For Splinter the bolt and the door and everything else that had silver on his, and was hard, was metal.

To him it all seemed strange. The place wasn't their home yet. He was still missing their old lair. The scent in it told him it was a strange place, a different place. But, they were forced to change homes on multiple occassions. Just like in foster homes, as his eldest put it once and didn't realize how it hurt him, those few words he heard. He never told him anything about that. But, the problem with that turtle was that he was too honest and sincere. And he always put his thoughts into words. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes not. Recently it was more no, than yes.

Splinter worried for all of them, but one son in particular had him worried beyond borders. He'd become quiet in the last couple of months. He came back changed, almost back to his old self, but he was different. He almost didn't speak to him, and that was alarming. The son that always asked for advice from his father with a cup of green or herbal tea, now was silent. And the silence was overwhelming. Screaming even.

He understood the need of his eldest to protect (and serve in a twisted way, thought Splinter) to him and his other sons, but he had a life too. He wasn't just the stubborn eldest turtle, the fearless leader, the teacher's pet or Splinter Junior. He was having a life of his own, that he abandoned long ago, to be the adult he wasn't. To be the grown up turtle he wasn't. He was a teenager that had to grow up earlier because of their life and their destiny. He was Leonardo. And once again Splinter's theory was right. His fatherly instinct and knowing Leonardo all too well plus the silent signs he gave away with his talk and body language told Splinter all he needed to know. Leonardo wasn't himself for months and after he sent him away Splinter thought that Leonardo was back. He thought that his son was back. The old Leonardo. The warrior he raised and owed his sanity at moments.

But when Leonardo came back from his trip to Japan he found the lair destroyed, his brothers and father missing, worse, he was told they were dead and he went back to 'the silent treatment keeping it to himself mode'. He was alienating himself from his family and Splinter had to do something to prevent the loss of his son. He lost his master, Hamato Yoshi to the Shredder. He won't lose a son because of him. Leonardo's spirit was breaking, and he couldn't let this to happen to the one turtle that could pull them together. Not this time, not ever.

He was having one of those sessions where he meditated upon a matter when he heard Raphael yell at Leonardo. And the turtle in question didn't fight back. Not a word, not a yell. He thought of the old technique he taught his sons called 'river over a stone' which basically meant that when someone said bad words to you, or insulted you, you should let them wash like a river over a stone, but this wasn't the case. This was completely shut down mode. Leonardo was shutting down to himself, literally in his own shell. And then the ticking bomb was going to explode. He ddidn't fight back, until he heard Leonardo scream back at his brother. The fight went on and on, until he decided that he should intervene. Splinter took a deep breath.

It was now or never.


	2. Worries of a brother

Chapter 2 - Worries of a brother

* * *

 _ **Sorry for not updating my stories in the period that just passed. I was very busy, I had exams, I was at faculty most of the time, and although I've been writing I wasn't able to upload new chapters from my stories. I hope that I will succeed in doing so, because I have some free time before the start of the new semester.**_

* * *

Raph hung his legs outside his hammock trying to relax a little, but he was so tensed up this night. He argued with Leo, then with Master Splinter and now he was fuming. He was used to fight with his father and the resident worrywart turtle in the lair, but tonight it was different. Tonight his brother was called up in his father's room where Splinter taught him a lesson. Raphael was the one that did all of the trouble, yet Leo was the one that was reprimanded and chastised. Raphael was the one that hurt his older brother. Raphael was the one with the short circuit and fighting Leo all the time. But, Splinter chose Leonardo this time. Leo hear the words that were meant for him… Not him, Leo. Again his older brother took the fall for them, well this time only for him, but with all the guilt that he shouldered over the years. He was thinking of what could Master Splinter possibly have to say to Leo about his act? Maybe their father was tired of his son's act these past few months. Whatever it was, it wasn't okay. Leo was in Master Splinter's room for 3 hours and counting, and nothing could be heard, not a yell, not a whisper. He wondered what they were doing inside for so long that they didn't make a sound. Suddenly it clicked him. Right after that, Raphael left his room just to see his brother leaving Splinter's room. The look in his eyes was unreadable. He couldn't read his brother. _What happened inside?_ Leo was enigma to him his whole life… Well from the moment that he was named leader that's it. Since then Raphael felt that his brother wanted to show them all that he was superior, show him that he was superior, the leader, the best of all four. He didn't realize the emotional turmoil going on in Leo's eyes as he continued walking towards his room and the resignation with which Leo closed his door. That wasn't the brother he thought he knew. That was Leo the protector that sacrificed his life to get them on the right path and out of trouble. Raph was the one that was the harshest with him, always picking on his weaknesses. And to think that they were friends once upon a time…

 **(Flashback)**

How could his brother be this stubborn? It was true that Raph was wrong this time too. It was a reckless mistake that could've led to something bigger, if Leo hadn't intervened. Raph apologized thousand times. And thousand times, his older brother chastised him. Raph snapped and challenged Leo. He accepted. They sparred. Scratch that, they fought like two crazy turtles, until something in Leo's left arm snapped and Leo did all in his power not to scream. He tried hard not to reply to his brother. Leo tried to be calm, but that didn't work with Raphael. Leo's feelings were raw from the insults and things he heard from his hotheaded brother that he lost balance and fell backwards on his shell clutching his arm so tightly he thought he heard another snap. He couldn't take it anymore. He begged Raph with his eyes to stop fighting with him, but he seemed like he didn't listen to his pleas. His eyes widened in shock when he heard Raphael yelling at him. He lifted himself from the floor, backing up from the approaching form of his younger brother. He was scared that Raph would want to hurt him more. Suddenly he found himself backed up against a wall and it took all of his courage not to scream. Raph's words caught up to him and he completely shut down.

 **(End of flashback)**

Raph saw the fear in Leo's eyes as he tried to back up and get far away from him. He had to thread carefully in those waters. He decided that he would go with a simple question, although Leo deserved an apology and a talk. But, Raph was always short on words… He worked with punches most of the time.

"How are you Leo?"

Leo just looked at his brother and saw the change in him, but he was still scared and his emotions were still raw from the fight. The talk with Master Splinter helped him, but he couldn't face Raphael. Not yet. Raphael hurt him both with his hands and with his words and he wasn't prepared to let go off that. _If only Raph wanted to talk…_

"Fine."  
"I was wondering if… um…"

"Please Raph, just leave me alone, okay? It's been enough fighting don't you think?"

Raphael nodded. He watched as Leonardo entered in his room and he couldn't help, but notice the cast on his left arm and the brace that hold his arm on place. Not mentioning the superficial cuts and bruises that covered him. _He'd done it. He hurt his own brother. He was good for nothing._

Raphael whispered at the form of his older brother entering his room "I wasn't going to fight you this time Fearless."

…

 **-Earlier that night-**

"If you try something like that with me again, I'll kill you. You know darn well that when I go out as the Nightwatcher, it's to do some justice to the people on the streets. And what did you do tonight Leo? You stopped me! How could you? What if it was Don? Or Mike?"

"They weren't. And don't try to play this on their card, because it won't work with me. You were caught in the middle of a robbery and the police was on its way, and you tell me that I should've left you there Raph? You want me to believe that it would've been better if I left you there? What if you ended up in prison, your mask uncovered? That would've been the end of your life and the life of your brothers. Seriously is that what you want? You are lucky that I followed you after that outburst in the dojo when you yelled like crazy to our father!"

Leo tried to calm down, but so far nothing was in his favor.

The words both brothers said to each other weren't pretty. And the words afterwards weren't very kind either. "Listen Fearless, I want you to understand that you are not my boss and that whatever you do to prevent me from doing what I want will be futile. You think you are the self-righteous turtle and you want me to follow your path, but you want to make the things your own way, without asking me or my brothers?"

Leo couldn't find his voice from what he heard. He tried to answer his brother's last question. "They are our brothers Raph." Leo said through clenched teeth. "Our brothers. They are my brothers too, not just yours." he was breathing heavily.

"That's not going to work Leonardo. Nuh-huh. I will do as I please. You act on your own most of the time. It's the same."

"Yeah? You think it is the same when we act together to save the people of New York City and when you are acting rashly, out of your mind saving the people New York City? Let me tell you, it's not the same. When we act as brothers, we are together. I act on my own most of the times, because I have the ability to calm down and think over our chances, and then pass my knowledge and my plan to the team, to you and Donnie and Mikey. When you act alone, there is always a chance that you will get hurt or end up getting in trouble, and then calling us to rescue you. Pardon me Raph, but you need to control yourself and your temper, because until you do, I'll be following you and watching your back." _And that would be always._

"If I decide to be the Nightwatcher, and to stop a robbery, and to help the common people of NYC, then that's what I'm going to do. I won't ask for your permission, do you understand? Do you?! And I don't need your help, nor you on my shell. You need to back off. And I mean it!"

"I'm your brother, I am the leader and my duty is to protect my brothers, to protect you Raph. To be there for you…"

He was cut off by Raphael. "Yeah? Well, where were you when our lair was attacked, huh? You were in Japan playing the perfect son, listening to Master Splinter's orders, like always and leaving your brothers alone for couple of months? And all you do since you came back is yell at me and fight with me. You think that you are better than me by learning some new mind tricks?"

"I think that you have mistaken the things Raphael. You think I wanted to leave you here alone, unprotected? I had to go. I had to face my fears. And I'm not trying to boss you, but to show you that there are some things in life that you should do with cool head. I learned that while I was with the Ancient One." Leo sighed. "I'm not perfect. And I'm not better than you, or Mikey or Donnie. That's why I'm always trying to reason with you Raph. Because you always see me as the superior, and the leader and never as your brother. That's what I'm trying to tell you the whole time. But, as always you don't want to listen." _Shell, my arm hurts like there are a thousand knives piecing through it. I start to feel the numbness in it… Please Raph stop…_

Here he said it. Raph couldn't believe in what he was hearing. He hated to admit, but Fearless was right. The rage inside him got even greater when he looked at the serene look in his older brother's eyes. _How he could be so calm after what I've done to him_ , Raph thought.

"Raph, please for once just listen to me. Just for once." There was something in his voice, Raph couldn't put his finger to what it was. _Did he sound hurt, defeated?_

"I am done listening to you." he pinned Leo on the wall holding his injured arm, pressing it even harder. The sudden movement sent spasms through Leo's body and he yelled from the unbearable pain he felt. He screamed and begged. "Raph... please, let me go. Let my arm. It... Hurts..." He was seeing stars.

"Listening to you got us into this mess Leonardo." the use of his full name subdued Leo and he closed his eyes to prevent the tears from spilling. "And listening to you won't get me out of trouble. Just get off of my shell for a change and try to have your own life. Living the life of the others won't help you."

"WHAT EXACTLY IS YOUR PROBLEM?!"

Before Raphael could answer he heard footsteps. They were ninjas and they were taught of the art of stealth by Splinter itself. They all tried to walk quietly around the lair, but even the quietest of footsteps could be heard. And now both older brothers clearly listened to their father's footsteps.

Leonardo used his right arm to lift himself up from the floor and stood still as he heard the footsteps approaching. He sensed trouble radiating off of Master Splinter as soon as he saw him entering in the dojo. Oh, dear. He gulped. And he knew that what followed was his fault. His father wanted his well, and the well of his brothers. All he did, all he could do these past few months after he returned from Japan, was to avoid him and his brothers, he retreated to himself and he acted like an ass. _Oh, Raph would so love my expression for myself. And the language too_ , Leo thought. But, Raph's words hurt him so much. He went completely rigid when he sensed his father put a paw on his shoulder and he winced from the enormous pain.

"Leonardo!"

"Yes Sensei!"

"What happened to your arm?"

"It's nothing Master Splinter. My fault."

"I know whose fault was it is my son. Perfectly." He looked at Raphael sternly. He lowered his gaze. "Please go to Donatello and tell him to take care of your arm Leonardo. I will wait for you in my room. We need to talk. Raphael you can go in your room now. You are dismissed."

 _What? This was it? No punishment, no harsh words, no head slap? Quite a change in Master Splinter,_ Raph thought. He retreated to his room as he watched Leo walking towards Donnie's lab/infirmary. For the first time in years, he actually listened to Splinter.

…


	3. Worries of a son

Chapter 3 – Worries of a son

The steps to Don's lab were the hardest in Leo's life. His left arm hurt, his whole soul hurt, and he felt tears gathering on the corners of his eyes. But, he couldn't let the tears slip right now. He couldn't do this to Donnie. He was gentle and delicate turtle, and he could get angry easily. Leonardo couldn't bear to see the geeky turtle angry. If Donnie saw him crying because of Raphael, he could do something stupid, that he'll regret it later. He swallowed all the sorrow he had inside of him and knocked on the door.

Donnie opened the door and the moment he saw Leo clutching his arm like a little baby with his other arm he shifted to "the Doc" mode immediately and ordered his brother to sit down on the bed while he examined his arm. Don tried not to make his oldest brother uncomfortable, but with each pat and probe he felt him wince and stifle cries of pain.

"It seems to me like it's broken in few places. And I think that your shoulder is a little dislocated."

Leo's eyes filled with fear at the mentioning of his dislocated shoulder, and he all but cried. It hurt like shell when Don had to reset some part of their bodies when they were in a fight and they were hurt. _Not again, not now. Raph, what did you do to me?_ Leo bit his lower lip.

"It will be painful I know Leo. It's hard for me to do it, and to you of all, but I have to. I will put a cast on your arm after that and a brace so the arm would stay put in place until it heals, okay?"

Leo nodded.

Don took Leo's left arm in his two and he twisted the shoulder couple of times before he set it the way it was before. All the time, Leo refrained himself from screaming. After Donnie set Leo's shoulder, he casted it and braced it. He cleaned the little cuts on Leo's arms and legs and put a protecting cream over the serious ones and closed them with bandages. The bruises already started to turn bluish. Leo said thanks to his brother and was on his way to the door when he heard Donnie speak. "It was Raph, wasn't it?"

Leo couldn't face his brother. He nodded. "Yes, it was him. We were in a fight, again, and he hurt me unintentionally. It was my fault. I-"

Donnie cut him in mid-sentence as he turned Leo over as to face him. "Your fault? Don't make me laugh Leo. I don't see how could you do this to yourself without Raph twisting your arm and taking the katana out of it? I've heard your arguing. And I don't see anything unintentional in the injuries Leo!" Donnie said. "He pressed the arm where it was broken right?"

"How did you…?"

"You have minor fractures in few places where the original injury occurred. Minor bone fractures. That I could feel them under my fingers every time I touched your arm! It will be awhile before you can use your left arm with full strength and maybe a month or two before you start wielding a katana again. Because if you do that, then you can kiss your skills with the swords goodbye. You can lose the ability to move your arm Leo. You won't lift weights, you won't lift anything that weighs more than one plate or glass of water. And this is a serious problem, not one that will go away easily as those cuts and bruises. You will listen to my orders. Are we clear?"

"Yes, we are. Thank you once again Donnie."

"You know Leo, you have to stop this."

"Stop what?"

"Stop acting like you are responsible for us 24/7. You have to dedicate a time for yourself. You cannot function if you worry over us for the whole time. You are human too, I mean you have your own life, and you have to live it to the fullest. Worry won't get you far. It could kill you one day. The building stress, the nerves won't do any good to you Leo. Please think of yourself for a change. And I'm talking to the old Leo that I know is hiding behind the new Leo that we got since we defeated the Shredder. Snap out of it."

Leo realized how hard it was to Donnie to say something like that to him. He didn't say anything as he left the lab. "Here goes nothing." Donnie muttered. "But I had to try."

Leo countered Mikey on his way out. The orange banded turtle has just returned from a trip to April's "Hey Leo. He stopped when he noticed the casted left arm of his brother. "What happened to your arm bro?"

"Nothing Mikey. An accident." Leo didn't have the guts to look at his youngest brother and tell him what really happened.

Michelangelo observed the slow pace of Leo to their father's bedroom and then he entered in the lab. There he saw an overly concerned Donatello. "Donnie do you know what happened?"

"Leo and Raph got into a fight again. Raph hurt Leo. He broke his arm. I don't know what exactly happened between them, I just heard the sounds of a fight, but whatever it is, it's not good. Not good at all."

"I saw him entering in Sensei's room. Is he in trouble?"

"I don't know Mikey. But if anyone knows how to solve a problem, then that's Master Splinter. Hopefully he'll get through Leo. Leo isn't himself for months. And he needs to stop acting like there is nothing going on with him."

Mikey nodded. He hated to see his oldest brother changing in front of his eyes, and he couldn't do anything to prevent it. He agreed with Don. Master Splinter was the key.

…

In Master Splinter's room, Leonardo entered and he bowed to his Sensei. Splinter bowed back and told his son to sit down on the mat on the floor. He held two cups of strong green tea. He gave one to his eldest that accepted it and muttered a "thank you".

He sipped from his tea, savoring its taste, and letting it touch his taste buds. He was a tea lover. And green tea was his favorite. The smell wafted and slowly filled the room.

"I called you here to talk to you about something my son."

"About what?" Leo looked puzzled.

"About you."

"What about me Master Splinter?"

"I think it's been a long time since you and I had a one on one talk, a father and son talk. Telling each other what's bothering us…"

Leo looked at the floor in front of him and tried to sink further in it. He didn't want to talk about himself. The last person he wanted to burden with his worries and thoughts was his father.

Reading his thoughts Splinter spoke "You are not my burden Leonardo. Nor your worries and thoughts. I want to help you. I want to know what's wrong with you and why are you acting like you are not part of this family?"

"I don't-"

"Please let me finish Leonardo." Leo nodded. "You are agitated, you are worried, you don't want to admit, but you were hurt as much as we were in our last battle with the Shredder, you maybe even more than us, because you took upon yourself yours and our injuries together plus you shouldered the unbearable guilt of what happened. Don't tell me that everything is okay because I know it's not. You are not okay. I sent you to train with the Ancient One, and I thought that you learned how to move on. But, I see now that you didn't improve much. You are still quiet, you sit with your brothers, but you don't interact with them as before. You let your anger win, and you are losing the control you have over yourself. You have to stop before you destroy yourself."

Leo looked at his father in surprise.

"Before you start asking questions why am I talking to you like this, let us meditate a little. Just try to relax my son. Think of this meditation session as a dream. A dream where you will find yourself."

"Find myself?"

"Yes, find yourself. It's time to decide my son."

…

Splinter always spoke in riddles. Leonardo almost always understood the riddles his father told him and his brothers. He had a keen ability to guess what exactly their father was trying to tell them, and to process that twice as faster as his brothers. He always caught up on the instructive part of the riddle. But now, Leonardo didn't have a clue at what was Splinter trying to tell him.

He let him lead the way, and he obeyed his father and Master. He positioned himself on the mat the best he could with his injured arm and one laceration on his leg that bugged him and itched him ever since Don treated it. He let himself relax, and for the first time in months he felt the tension leaving his body.

Soon he erased all of the worries from his mind and left his mind drift to happier moments. He reflected to the times where they were toddlers and had the best days of their lives. Then he felt himself traveling through a stairwell that seemed to have no end. After he traveled for good 20 minutes, he found himself in a pitch black room, actually he couldn't tell what exactly it was. It was darkness and darkness alone in front of him.

"Father?" Then "Master Splinter?" No one answered him. "Sensei? Are you here? Raph? Donnie? Mikey? Please, is someone in there?"

The silence was overwhelming. The darkness even more. He was scared as to where he was. He heard a voice all of a sudden. "Come my son, we have to move forward." It was the voice of his father.

"Move forward to where Father?" Leo asked.

"You will see soon my son. Have patience. You will receive answers to all of your questions. Just follow my path. Take my hand."

Leonardo listened to the old and wise rat and put his right hand in his father's left paw. They moved together in a silent perfect pace to seemingly nowhere in particular.

Suddenly Splinter stopped. "Here, our journey ends here my son."

"I don't understand Sensei. What are we doing here in complete darkness?"

"We are here because of you Leonardo. You see this darkness, is enveloping your soul. Your guilt and your anger don't let you see further than this and that's why you only see the darkness. But, if you let your heart to be free of guilt and anger you will see the light."

A puzzle inside a puzzle. A riddle inside a riddle.

Splinter took a candle out of his pocket and lit it.

"This candle is your guide through this spiritual journey my son." A pause. "It is of an essence to understand that every candle has an end. An expiration date. We all have an expiration date my son. Some have longer, some shorter date. One day we'll all die and go to Heaven or Hell. No one is eternal, and no one will stay on Earth forever. We face dangers each and every day. We fight them and we try to stay alive. It's then when we are able to see out strength and our ability to fight the evil. You have to assess your abilities and your flaws, to realize to what's right and wrong, and to decide, will you be the old Leonardo we all know, or you will stay trapped in this new incarnation of you that is more similar to a dark Leonardo?"

Splinter used the power of the astral plane and his years of practicing his meditation to enter in the mind of his son. He was successful and he was glad that his son was still there and ready to listen to his father. He believed that there were many times when he did something wrong in his sons' education. But, he knew that most of the times what he did was right. There was only one thing that he disclosed from his sons. The art of entering in the mind of each other through meditation. Through long letters with the Ancient One he discovered that the Master of his Master Yoshi didn't reveal that delicate secret to his eldest. He told him that the only one that is able to teach Leonardo that is Splinter himself.

"This art is called entering in the mind in the other Leonardo, through the act of meditation. It's an illusion, and it's not actually real. This is the first time I'm showing you this art, and I want to know that it would probably be the last time before each and every one of you is fully ready to understand its power."

Leo nodded.

Splinter started talking with Leonardo about everyday stuff, about his life, about his obligations. Then he moved onto serious things.

"Do you want to know why I chose you to be the leader my son?" Splinter asked the agitated turtle that looked more than lost in the astral plane, than he ever looked in real life.

Leonardo nodded. Splinter took his chin in his pawed hand and looked in the eyes of his eldest son. He could see everything in his eyes. No matter how much Leonardo tried to bury his feelings deep down himself in front of his brothers, he couldn't do that in front of his father. Splinter read him like a book.

Leonardo was an open book that waited to be read. It only took an avid and experienced reader to go through that book and to see that some pages were ripped off, and some were crumbled and never straight after they were being repaired. Only Master Splinter knew what troubled Leonardo and all of his sons. After him, Leonardo was the one that noticed the fastest what was wrong with his brothers. He tried to solve the problems without speaking with his father about it. Actually he tried not to lead the problem to his father's ears.

From all three of his brothers Leonardo was the closest with the second oldest, Raphael. Once upon a time, while they were kids, they were best friends. They were as close as twins could be. They told each other the deepest secrets a toddler could have, and they were always there for one another. Then he decided to name Leonardo the leader of their clan, and that was the end of their friendship. Since then Raphael fought his brother.

Despite the fights and the words he heard from Raphael, Leonardo's love never ceased. It was always present, and if he was asked to choose between his brothers, which brother he loved the most, he would've said "all three of them". At some point the fights and the bickering between the two oldest became a routine for the 5 membered family that it felt strange if they weren't fighting or yelling at each other.

Raphael's problem was simple. He was losing his only older brother, and he tried to get him back to where they were. The only way he could do that was through fists. He was lacking words, and the more Leonardo was talking, the more Raphael was fighting him back.

Leonardo was really feeling down lately and there wasn't anything that his father's words and acts could do to bring him back from the state he was in. Splinter knew that somehow he was the reason why his son was like that. He was the one that brought the matter with the Shredder up. He was the one that told them the story about the demise of his Master. He was the one that advised them not to fight him, but they decided to go against his orders and they all came up scarred from that one. After that the Shredder set out in a search of them, trying to destroy them, to wipe them off of Earth's face. He wounded his son so badly that he almost died from the wounds sustained in the fight for his life with the Foot and the Foot Elite. He fought that Shredder in the virtual world in ancient Japan while captured inside the Utrom's building. He fought the Shredder that day when they decided to put a stop on his reign for once and for all. Everything that happened up to that point didn't do anything to Leonardo. He was his usual self, a little laid-back, fighting with Raph all the time, chastising his brothers, listening to his orders, asking for advice, meditating, being Leonardo.

But then one day, they found themselves on that ship built from Triceraton technology. They fought him, they defeated him, and they almost killed themselves in the process. The Utroms helped them to recover, they healed their wounds and they tried Ch'rell and found him guilty. The turtles did something good both for NYC and the home world of the Utroms. All of them had scars from that last battle. Some more than others, but nonetheless they had internal scars that hadn't healed very well with his eldest. Leonardo had shouldered the guilt of what happened once again. It threatened to take him over and make him bitter. Something he never was. It threatened to overwhelm him.

Splinter sighed. He looked long enough in his son's eyes. He saw what he needed to see, he saw beyond that. The purity and the honor in his son's eyes, his worry, his love, his emotions, everything. He decided to talk about why he gave him the leadership and not to Raphael, Donatello or Michelangelo. They all had the characteristics every true warrior has, the characteristics that defined them as the right ones to fight in the arts of Ninjitsu and the Bushido code. But, Leonardo was the one that had the actual patience and strength a leader should have. He was kind, gentle, loving, caring turtle, strong and deadly at the same time. He was perfectionist. He was almost flawless. He was fearless. He was the boss. His brothers always listened to him.

Splinter moved the paw from the chin to his son's hurt shoulder. He was well aware that his eldest bit back a hiss, and that his arm hurt very much. He would never tell how much he hurt. But, he doubted that the pain his eldest son felt had to do only with the injury on his left arm. It was more related to his internal feelings, and what his brother (s) felt.

"I named you leader because I always had a feeling that you are the perfect choice for that role. You are the connection this family needs. You are the supporting pillar of this family. Everything is built upon you and you are always the one that pulls this family back together. You know that I always taught you the art of Ninjitsu equally. I never favored any of you more than the other. I could foresee your ways of learning and the ability to learn new katas and moves from the moment you started practicing. I could see the strengths and weaknesses of each and every one of you while you sparred. I could observe your interactions with your brothers in the living room or in the kitchen. I helped you grow up, I built you self-confidence and the ability to face bigger things without the fear of failure to overwhelm you. Maybe I did wrong not telling you or your brothers about Master Yoshi earlier and prohibiting you to go above the surface." Splinter sighed. "You know the basics of the Bushido code right? The characteristics that every true warrior has to possess to be a true warrior."

Leonardo saw where this was going. He didn't need to reply to his father, but he felt the need to do that. "Yes I know them. Righteousness, courage, benevolence, respect, sincerity, honor, loyalty and self-control."

"You see my son, you are righteous, you have the courage to face every challenge I put in your way, you respect me, and what you have. You are sincere with me, with your brothers. I found you many times telling them some things that I thought you would never tell them at all, you told me everything, you trusted me, you asked for advice when you needed one. You have honor, you are loyal to your team, to your brothers. And most of all you had self –control. You knew when to draw the line between anger and control, you never let your control to slip down, but up until recently, since we defeated the Shredder on his own ship and we all got out of that battle hurt. You are not the same my son. I can see that you are troubled, that you have a weight inside of you that's pulling you down, until it will drown you in your own feelings and you end up losing the grip of reality."

Leonardo opened his mouth to say something, but he closed it.

"I named you leader because you were the strongest of all four of my sons, you were their keeper, and you had the keen ability to be the leader and be the brother. I believe that Raphael didn't take that information very well. And seeing this from my perspective, the perspective of a Master, of a father, tells me that it's because he thinks that he lost you and your friendship. He is constantly battling you, fighting you to get your attention, because he is missing his best friend. And you two need to find the grip of reality soon, and restore the peace between you two. Because if you don't we will all suffer, not just you two. Donatello will suffer. Michelangelo will suffer. I will suffer. Today is your arm and your shoulder, tomorrow could be your head. Think about this my son. Think well. Do you want to be the guide of your brothers or do you want to ruin their lives by acting like the rash person you are not?"

"I want the best for this family Sensei. I love my brothers, I love you too. You are my father. And I would never do such a thing as to ruin you or my brothers, or this family. I'm willing to pick up where we left with Raph, but he is the one that cannot manage with words Father." Leo stopped for a moment to get his bearings and put his thoughts in order. "I know I've been acting like an ass, pardon my language. I know that I should've not reacted at all, to stop at chastising him about what he did, but something inside told me that I couldn't stop, not now. And I was right Sensei. I'm not saying that I was right for saying all those things, but I was right to follow him and save his shell. I was thinking about him and my family and the time I did what I did. I…"

"Shhhhh, my son, I know why you did what you did, and why you said what you said. I believe it was for the best of our family and your brothers. I know that Raphael's acts were rage full and that he hurt you without thinking. I know you all too well my son. I know what you think, how you breathe, how you feel. Do you know the three hearts philosophy my son?"

"Yes. You told me about it, back when we were kids."

"One heart you show to the people around you. The second heart you show to your family and friends and the third heart is the one that you show only to yourself when you are alone. Well, you see that third heart Leonardo, your third heart is full with guilt, and self-criticism. You have to think over your actions from the past few months my son. You need to realize that not everything that happens to us, to your brothers, to me, is your fault. You have to learn how to control that impulse you have inside of you and not let it to get a hold on you. As soon as you do that, you'll realize that half the things you do, are done from the guilt you shoulder and keep it under locks."

Leonardo could see what Splinter tried to tell him, and he made a mental note to himself about it. His wise father never ceased to amaze him. He was the best father ever.

"I want you to promise me something my son."

"What is that?"

"I want you to promise me that whenever you feel bad, you are worried about something or you want to have some one on one time with your old father, promise me that you will come to me and talk to me. I always can use to have a cup of tea with my oldest son that reminds me of myself when I was younger, although I didn't have those worries as much as you do now."

"I guess that's why Raph calls me the teacher's pet and Splinter Junior."

Splinter smiled.

"I promise. Honestly I promise." Leo raised his right arm.

"I believe that it's time to get back home my son." Splinter said. "Take my hand my son. It's time to go home."

Leonardo accepted the pawed hand and he slowly headed to the darkness of the tunnel in front of them.

…

Leo opened his eyes and he found himself in the familiar surroundings of his father's room. He found him sitting next to him. He didn't understand what just happened between him and his father, everything was so strange. He loved to meditate, but he never went beyond the normal meditation. This was a different experience.

"What just happened?" he asked his father.

"I wanted to show you, my son that everything you see or seem, is but a dream within a dream."

"I don't understand."

"You will one day my son. You will understand. Now go and rest my son. And you are not to train until your arm is fully healed."

"But…"

"No 'buts'."

"Okay Sensei. And Sensei?"

"Yes, Leonardo?"

"Thank you for everything."

"You are very welcome my son. You are very welcome. I'm always here, remember that." He held his arms open and he wasn't surprised when he son accepted and relaxed in the welcoming embrace of his old father. His little warrior was still there. He just needed to find his way back. And he was there to help his son in his journey. Finally Leonardo broke from the hug his father gave him and looked at him with longingly eyes. For a moment a brief flashback passed in front of his eyes. He was a toddler and his father was hugging him just like he did now. Leonardo smiled and decided that his father was right. He needed help and he hadn't realized that he was falling apart. He didn't have to know everything right now. He had to let himself relax a little and live the life of the teenager he was. He was determined. His family needed the old Leonardo. Master Splinter needed the old Leonardo. He needed to change to his old self. He got up and kissed his father on the cheek.

"Good night Sensei."

"Good night my son."

Splinter smiled contently. He knew that he reached his son. Mission accomplished.

…


	4. Tonight is the night

Chapter 4 – Tonight is the night

* * *

 **One more chapter till this story is finished …**

* * *

Leo was the water that put out the fire in Raph, and Raph was the wind that spread the fire in Leo. Alone they were vulnerable, together they were invincible. They were like yin and yang, Raph was the bad to Leo, Leo was the good to Raph. They were like ice and fire… light and dark… white and black… With one word they were the opposite. That's why they always fought. And that was one more reason why Raph was always on Leo's shell or trying to get his attention. That's why back in the day they were best friends, but they lost their grounds when Leo was named leader. And that grip was lost ever since. Leo had a feeling that everything will end tonight. He didn't know how to explain the feeling he had, but he knew that somehow this night would change their lives forever.

…

Leo sat in his room for most of the night. He heard his brothers going on patrol, but he couldn't bear to get out of the room and look in their pleading eyes to stop doing what he was doing to himself, and he didn't want to encounter Raph, so he stayed up in the warmth of his room. He couldn't look into Donnie's eyes, that were so gentle and caring, that chastised him few hours ago, pleading with him to not cover for Raph. He couldn't even tell Mikey what was wrong. He was sure that his baby brother was angry at him for excluding him from the happenings in the family. Michelangelo was always the sensitive turtle, but he was also a prankster and he couldn't keep a secret, so he was usually the last one to find out something. Leo's heart ached at his act sometimes, when he ditched his baby brother's thoughts and acts like foolish, or the numerous times he refused to hang out with him, or cuddle in his bed in the mornings. But, he had his reasons for that. He was the eldest, he was the leader and he couldn't allow himself to relax around them while there were dangers for them in the topside world. He soon realized that the dangers would probably be there still even if he decided to not leave the lair anymore. But, it was late to change his attitude towards his brothers. It was late to start over.

All Leo did was to distance himself from his brothers. Instead of keeping this family together, he kept it apart. All because he was trying to protect them and keep them safe. Leo sighed. For the first time in his life he couldn't come up with a plan to bring this family together again and to settle his differences with Raphael. Neither one of them would admit that they were wrong and ask for forgiveness.

Leo stood up and paced his room with his hands on the back of his shell, eyes narrowed and thinking. From the all four of them Leonardo was the one that needed less trying to think. He liked to think, he loved the process of his thoughts lining in order to come up with a battle plan, or something else. Leo had trouble focusing on his thoughts now, so instead he focused on the things that were in his new room. In his new home. In their new lair that they built from scratch in the old pump station. " _Home isn't the place, it's the heart"_ , he heard Master Splinter's voice in his head.

Donnie installed a TV set in his room, so he could watch television by himself and relax when he was feeling bad or had the flu. There were few bookshelves filled with old books that Leo used to read, books on strategy, his favorite books (that weren't books about strategy) and some old notebooks that were filled with letters and signs from when he learned how to write. Donnie managed to save those after they came back to their old lair to scavenge for things that were important to them and that held a sentimental value for all four of them and their father.

On the other end of the room was the swords rack where he kept his Katana during the time that he didn't use it, and he couldn't help, but look at it from time to time and remember that he couldn't use his left arm right now. He ached to take the sword and sweep with it (since he favored his left arm in practice and in battle), slash the air in half, but he knew that if he did that then he would break Donnie's heart, and he could hurt himself more than he already was.

He had a mat in the center of his room that he used for meditation, he had a stack of aromatic candles carefully stored for his meditating sessions.

Everything in his room was in perfect harmony. And it was painted blue of course. The blue was his favorite color, the color of his mask and the color itself represented calm and peace. He loved his room, because there he could finally connect his mind to his spirit and do what he couldn't do in the rest of the house. Now, he tried to get his thoughts off of his injured arm and he turned on the television. He found something on it and left it, but he didn't really pay attention to it.

In a corner of his room there was a musical system. Donnie gave it to him for one of his birthdays. He knew that Leo loved listening to music, classical music in particular, and he gave him the system that went with headphones and some melodies that Donnie downloaded specially for Leo. With time, as Leo turned older, he discovered new genres and new types of music and he used the downloading settings to download music from the internet and transfer them to the system. He loved that system so much. He was so happy that at least the music system survived the attack of their old lair. He had different songs in there. He had Bon Jovi, Johnny Cash, Whitesnake, Daughtry, and some older singers and groups. He loved the old rock'n'roll and loved slow melodies that had heartbreaking texts. He never fell in love, nor he knew what was it to love a woman (in his case it was really tough to come to that part), but some of the texts hit him right through the heart, and he sometimes thought over the text and the words with days. He even meditated upon them few times. He then realized that those songs were meant to alleviate some of the weight off of his soul and he decided to let them come and not think over them anymore. He just listened and enjoyed in the sounds of the numerous instruments playing the sad or happy melody.

Leo sighed before going in bed and covering himself with the blanket. He had trouble closing his eyes, but he managed somehow to go to sleep.

…

Master Splinter was in the living room watching his soap opera. Usually his eldest would accompany him in watching his favorite TV show, but not tonight. Leonardo was too quiet after he left his room almost one hour ago. He was thinking about what Raphael did to his brother, and Donatello told him the damage Leonardo suffered. He wished that he had super powers to make all bad go away. He knew that he had to talk with his hotheaded son as well, and warn him that he hasn't been left off the hook so easily.

Suddenly he heard the door of the lair open. His three sons returned home earlier than usual from their patrol. He asked them with his eyes what happened that made them come home so early. Donatello picked up his father's look and said "There wasn't anything happening in the city tonight Sensei. Unusually quiet. And Raph wasn't himself. Mikey is a little tired, and I myself can't do anything right now. I will try and have some rest. Good night."

Before Splinter can say something Donatello entered in his room and closed the door. His other sons did the same. He was left alone. He didn't know what went wrong with his family all of a sudden. It was falling apart. He could feel the melancholy in the air.

Sighing, Splinter picked up the remote in his hand and turned off the television. He retreated to his room. He hoped that this was a bad dream, a nightmare that will vanish the next morning when he wakes up. But, this was all but a dream. It was the reality and it was up to his sons to repair the broken bonds between them.

…

Donatello was so tired from the lack of sleep for days that he fell asleep the moment his head touched the cushion. He was dreaming of better days, when all of them were happy and had no worries at all. He remembered when his brothers and he were telling each other their secrets, their dreams, their aspirations. But, nothing was as he expected. The Shredder appeared. He pulled a string of bad guys and enemies to them, and soon they found themselves fighting for their lives and running for their lives. Even after his descent, he was still present in their lives. He left his daughter behind, and the always faithful Foot clan. One day, out of the blue, they were attacked in their home. Their oldest brother wasn't home when it happened. He came back from his trip, to find them almost dead and their home destroyed. He changed a lot since that comeback. Not that he didn't change before that, too.

Donatello tried, but he couldn't put the finger on which fact was that had something to have to do with the change in Leo. He tried and tried and tried, but nothing came up in his attempts to resolve the problem. The origin of the problem was unknown to the smartest of their clan.

He woke up. And nothing could make him go to sleep again.

…

In the room next to Donatello, Mikey was trying to have some sleep too, but he couldn't. Instead, he picked one of his comics, the latest about the Silver Sentry. He was reading the first page for ages thinking of what was happening to their family at the moment. Nothing was the same anymore since that Karai came down to the sewers, found their lair, destroyed it, and made them all split and not know about their whereabouts. Leo found them. The moment his oldest brother came back home, Mikey was way too happy. He thought that now that Leo is home from his trip to Japan, that maybe the things will start to better up a little. He was wrong. Things went to worse since he got back. And he didn't know why. Leo was supposed to connect them and keep them together, but he actually made things worse. Recently his mood changed a lot, and it wasn't just because he was a rebellious teenager. It had something to do with that guilt he shouldered and the need to always control them. Maybe control wasn't the right word. Keeping them safe? _Argh_ , Mikey's head hurt from all this thinking about their current situation. And here it was the fight between Leo and Raph that he missed today. Well, not that he was interested in it. He witnessed a lot of their fights recently and he wasn't sure that he wanted to see Raph hurting Leo. If there was a scale where people could measure anger from 1-10, Raph would be on the 11th degree.

Mikey gave up on his thinking process and he tried to sleep. _Leave all the thinking to Leo_ , he said to himself. After few fruitless attempts he gave up on his sleep and he just tried to actually meditate.

…

The hothead of the group was having a hard time to find the meaning of why the wall in his room was painted white. Or maybe there was something else that kept his gaze fixated there since he entered in his room and sat in his hammock. He couldn't help but think of what happened in the dojo today and his fight with Leo. He couldn't forget Leo's pleading gaze and his words. He was right once again, but Raphael couldn't say that out loud. He couldn't say to Leo that he didn't want to hurt him, but that the only way he could communicate with him was with yells and fists.

He left his mind to go back to the events earlier that day and the words that he said to his brother. He cursed himself, because he let Leo feel unwanted again… All Raph wanted was Leo to understand that he needed to let them in. Instead he spoke some words that reversed his intention.

 **"If you try something like that with me again, I'll kill you. …"**

"… **You think you are the self-righteous turtle and you want me to follow your path, but you want to make the things your own way, without asking me or my brothers?..."**

"… **Well, where were you when our lair was attacked, huh? You were in Japan playing the perfect son, listening to Master Splinter's orders, like always and leaving your brothers alone for couple of months? And all you do since you came back is yell at me and fight with me. You think that you are better than me by learning some new mind tricks? ..."**

 **"… I am done listening to you. …"**

He hurt his brother so much that Leo had to plead. He could see the actual hurt in his eyes, and he didn't stop. He continued taunting his brother, saying bad words, he even pressed down on Leo's injury.

Raph sighed. Leo's last words before Master Splinter entering in the dojo rang in Raph's ears. **"WHAT EXACTLY IS YOUR PROBLEM?!"**

He was thinking about the answer when Master Splinter entered in the dojo and ordered his favorite son to go and get his arm checked out at the resident medic. Of course Leo followed Splinter's orders. He was the perfect son, always doing what he was told. Raph was the one that loved to vibe the rules.

He thought of the last few months. How their lives have been turned upside down and how Leo distanced himself even more. Before Raph could finish with his thought he heard a high pitched scream that froze his usually boiling blood.

He knew where that scream came from. He knew the turtle that made that particular scream. He knew that it was Leo who screamed. It meant only one thing. He was having a nightmare.

Just when he opened the door of his room he found three more doors opened and Don, Mike and Splinter running in the direction of Leo's room.

He was the closest with his room to his older brother and with one move he did a backflip that brought him directly in front of Leo's room. "I've got this." He said as he entered in the room of the leader.

Michelangelo, Donatello and Master Splinter looked at themselves and decided to leave Raph alone. Everyone felt a little strange leaving Raphael near Leonardo. But, the determined look in Raph's eyes told them everything they needed to. Raph didn't think a moment, he didn't falter, to come to help his blue banded brother. The love was bigger than the anger and the grudge and somehow Raphael had a feeling that everything will end tonight.


	5. Best friends forever

Chapter 5 – Best friends forever

* * *

 **The last chapter is finally here. Finally some inspiration came to me listening to classical music last night, Strauss the Father and the Son mostly, and I came up with this (after I spent days and days of molding this conversation).**

 **The words at the start of the chapter are from a pic I found on the page "El circo" on Facebook and it was on Spanish, but I translated it on English as best as I could. I thought it was fitting for this chapter.**

 **Thanks for all the beautiful reviews for this story. We've come to an end.**

 **Enjoy the chapter.**

* * *

…

" _Sometimes, just sometimes…_

 _Retreat doesn't mean surrender_

 _Or being against is an attack_

 _Change is not hypocrisy_

 _And demolish is not destroy_

 _To be alone it's not departure_

 _And silence, nothing to say_

 _To stay still it's not laziness_

 _Nor cowardice is to survive_

 _To immerse is not drowning_

 _Or retreat to get away_

 _You don't go down just by stumbling_

 _Nor you will get Heaven no matter how much you suffer_

 _The sentences aren't eternal_

 _Nor you will die for forgiveness_

 _Sometimes, just sometimes…_

 _You need to let go_

 _Lift the candles, let yourself go_

 _Let it flow, let the wind change_

 _Close your eyes, and stop talking."_

…

* * *

 _They were 6. In one of their momentarily homes when the light went out in the current lair. Master Splinter transferred them all one night after the power went out. It was really dark and cold, and with their cold blood it was more difficult. Splinter had found blankets throughout his scavenging and currently tucked his four sons with them to protect them from the cold._

 _One night during their stay there, and Splinter gone for another one of his scavenging nights, both elder brothers were left to guard their little brothers. Don and Mike were dead tired from chasing around the lair that they were now sleeping on the couch, leaving only Raph and Leo awake and trying to keep the lair safe. Recently Splinter started to teach them the basics of martial arts and Raph could see that Leo enjoyed the training. He noticed the change in Leo as they grew up, and he hated to admit, but he really enjoyed the time he spent with his older brother, when they were alone. You could not describe this as being alone, but their current home was quiet at least._

" _Hey Leo?"_

" _Yeah Raph?" Leo's shy voice asked tentatively as he faced his red banded brother._

 _Right before Raph could say what he wanted, something shook Leo and his eyes widened as he realized that not only his chair, but everything in the room shook and crinkled as the lights blinked more than once._

" _An earthquake." Raph exclaimed as he tried to keep his calms looking at Leo's eyes. "Let's get Mikey and Donnie and get out of here before this place crumbles to pieces."_

 _Leo listened to his brother and he hurried to wake Donatello and Michelangelo as he tried to gather everything they used, frantically, in a garbage bag._

" _What are you doing Leo?"_

" _I'm saving what I can Raph."_

" _Save your life bro, because everything will go down in a…" He stopped mid-sentence and watched as a large part of the ceiling was forming its way towards Leo's head. "Leo, move!" he yelled, right before he pushed Leo out of the way._

 _Leo was unable to register what happened, because everything was a blur. He knew that Raph was calling out his name, but all he could see was darkness. He passed out._

…

 **He always dreamed of that earthquake after he was having severe fights with Raphael. Because he found solace in it.**

 **After that earthquake, Leo felt vulnerable to go even to the toilet alone, for the fear that there would be another earthquake that would end his family, or worse kill his family and leave him alive.**

 **Raphael was the one that pulled him out of his trance and he was forever grateful to his first younger brother, to his once best friend.**

 **This night the dream was different. Instead of Raph saving him that night, the ceiling crumpled and crushed over Raph. He felt dead weight over him, and he hurt everywhere. He screamed repeatedly, pleading Raph to wake up, to open up his eyes and say something. He couldn't hear his own words because his ears were hurt and clogged by the loud thump the now crumbled ceiling did. He fought his way out of the mess on the floor and tried to find the others, but there was no sign from them. He felt a presence and he charged with his good arm and tried to take the invisible enemy.**

 **Which was himself.**

…

Leonardo woke up from his terrible nightmare. His vision was clouded and it took him awhile before he could see clearly again. He blinked his eyes few times because the light above his head was overwhelming. Then his eyes focused on something red mingled with green. Soon he found himself eye to eye with Raphael. He was confused to see his hotheaded brother on top of him and he tried to fight his way out of his grip, but it looked like Raph's hands were made of steel because the grip he had on him was ferocious.

"Let… go of me… Please, Raph…" his voice was raspy from the screaming.

"Only if you promise that you won't hurt yourself."

"I won't. You are hurting my left arm…"

"Sorry, Leo." Raph let go of Leo and sat himself on the edge of the bed. He instantly noticed Leo pull back from him. He was still scared and by the looks of it he was still unsure of why he was in his room, on top of him, making sure he won't hurt himself with all the moves he pulled earlier when he actually charged at Raph in his dream. "You were having a nightmare. That's why I was on top of you stopping you from hurting yourself more than you already are." _More than I already hurt you._

"Did I wake you up?"

"You kidding me?" Raph growled, but when he saw the serious look in Leo's eyes, he stopped himself from yelling at him. "No, I wasn't sleeping. And I'm sure that the others were wide awake too."

Leo evened his breathing and he continued to look in Raph's body that was seated on the edge of the bed. He looked a little stiff to him, and he saw the tension ripple through the muscles on his arms.

"You want to say something Raph?"

"Damn well I want."

Leo nodded for Raph to continue. He didn't think of him and Raph having this conversation like this in two in the morning, but it was more than Leo could ask from the brother that was always fast on punches, that he gladly took the change in Raph and let his brother speak up first. He could see the need to speak in Raphael's burning eyes.

"I wanted to… um… apologize to you Leo."

Leo kept his silence and urged Raph to continue.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for acting rashly these past few months. Well, not that I didn't act rashly before…"

Leo smirked at Raph's choice of words and his face expression, but he quickly straightened his face and put on the mask of the leader. Raph was far from finished.

"I want to apologize for all I ever did or say to you. I'm truly ashamed from my acts and deeds, and I want to redeem myself. I want to help, and I want to be your brother again Leo. I want to be… Argh! I hate when I cannot say what I mean." He muttered under his breath, while his older brother observed him. "It's time to be the brothers Leo, and not ninja. It's time for us to settle our differences."

Leo nodded and saw the sincerity in Raph's eyes, and knew that his brother didn't come in his room to fight and he was grateful for the nightmare, because it brought him back Raph, his brother Raph that he once had. His best friend.

"Agreed." Leo said.

"So, that's it, not a word, not a lecture, nothing?"

Leo looked down at his hands resting in his lap. He actually hadn't said anything to his brother, anything that would prove to him that either he was right or wrong. He didn't know what to say.

'What was the nightmare about?"

"Huh?" Leo was jerked from his thoughts.

"I asked you what your nightmare was about."

Leo swallowed the lump in his throat and he spoke so soft and quiet that Raph had to strain his ears and lean closer to Leo to listen to what his older brother was saying.

"It was a dream where I lost you."

"You lost me? How?"

"Remember that earthquake when we were 6?"

"I do."

"Well, I had a dream that instead of saving me, the ceiling crumpled furthermore and crashed over you… You were cut off from my side and I watched you die. I tried to free myself, but there was something holding me."

'You probably mixed that with someone holding you." Raph smirked, but his smirk died on his lips as soon as he appeared, when he saw the sad look on Leo's face. "Okay, I didn't mean to… What's up Leo?"

"You helped me overcome that fear Raph. You helped me return to my old self."

"Yeah, I guess I did."

"I mean it Raphael." Leo's stern voice made Raph look in Leo's eyes and startle from the troubling look in those chocolate brown orbs. "You remember how I couldn't eat at ease without thinking that there would be an earthquake and that we all had to be prepared if such thing happened?"

"Yeah, I remember. You were trying hard to hide that obsession of yours from Donnie and Mikey. But, you didn't fool me."

"No, I didn't. I used to leave the door of my bedroom open and look at the ceiling to see if the light bulb that hung from the ceiling was moving."

"Yeah, and you were afraid to go to the toiler more than 1 minute. I remember you once running so fast to pee and returned in a record time, panting even." Raph chuckled.

"It wasn't funny at the time."

"It isn't funny. And it could happen to anyone. I know that. I'm just glad that I talked some sense into you."

"I prefer that than you beating some sense in me." Leo said. It was meant to be something like, _touché you are on_ , but it sounded a lot different.

"I'm sorry…"

"Don't sweat it Raph, we are good." Leo winked at him.

"We are far from good Leo. And far from okay, too. You remember what Donnie said once upon a time Leo? If one goes down we all go down. Okay, it was something like that… But, my point is that, you are not feeling well bro, you are troubled, and you need help. You need our help. Your mood affects our mood."

"You sound just like Master Splinter. And you were telling me I look like him." Leo chuckled dryly. The dark chuckle sent shivers down Raph's spine. And the honesty, the purity, the honor in Leo's eyes, gave him the chills. This was an open one on one conversation that turned out in the two brothers telling each other their deepest worries. "I understand you perfectly Raph."

Realization dawned on Leo, and he fought the burning sensation the tears did in his throat. Leo couldn't help, but let a tear fall from his eyes. Soon silent sobs wracked his body as he tried to drown himself in his tears and his sorrow, because he knew that Raph would not say anything to their brothers or their dad. Tears weren't sign of a weakness, but they voiced the pain that was hidden deep inside our souls. He didn't want them to see him like this.

His crying stopped and finally he had the courage to look in Raph's eyes again.

"There, calm down." Raph placed a reassuring hand on Leo's shoulder. "It's okay."

"How did we get this far Raph?"

"We used to be best friends Leo." Raph said in unison with Leo, while he wiped Leo's tear streaked cheeks. Both smiled at that simple act. "You used to tell me everything. What happened to us as brothers Leo?"

Leonardo looked at his red banded brother and thought about his answer. There were too many things going on inside him and he shrugged his shoulders.

Leo winced from the unexpected move of his shoulder. The move didn't go unnoticed by Raph. Raph also noticed Leo shivering and he cursed himself that he hadn't noticed it before. "Leo you are cold." That was more of a statement than a question.

"Yeah. This room is a little on the north and I often feel cold at night. But nothing that a few warm blankets won't solve." Leo sent Raph a weak smile.

Raph took one blanket and wrapped it around Leo careful not to jostle his shoulder and touch the injured arm. He then wrapped his arms around Leo and enveloped him in a tight embrace. "Here, I think this is better." He said as he felt Leo adjust his head in the nook under his chin.

"Thank you Raph." Leo mumbled as he tried to warm himself.

"You are welcome Leo." Raph said. "You want to tell me what happened to you Leo?"

'What do you mean Raph?"

"What happened to you? You are very tight Leo. You keep everything to yourself, you tend to care for us, but you don't realize that you are choking us with all that worry you have. You are so overwhelmed by worry that you don't know what you are doing anymore. You have to relax Leo. You have to turn back to normal." _Here, he said it. What he meant to say since he chased that nightmare away from his brother._

He listened to his big brother sigh against his shoulder and he decided that he should leave the matter when he heard Leo speak up. At first his voice was barely above a whisper. Later on as he spoke his voice strengthened. Raph was so content that it was actually him to whom Leo opened up about his worries. His big brother.

"I'm sorry Raph. I'm sorry that I'm constantly barking orders, worrying about you, choking you, always wondering where you are at the moment… But, I can't help it. I'm the leader, I'm the big brother and I need to keep your safe. I want to always keep your safe and have you by my side. It's so hard with everything going on in our lives."

"You have me Fearless." He felt Leo's smile against his neck. "You have Don and Mike. You have Splinter. You have all four of us. You should stop worrying so much and you need to share your worries with us for a change. And what's most important, you have to stop feeling guilty about everything that happens to us. You are not a magician to keep everything as it is, nor you can prevent some bad things from happening. The only thing you need to do is to just say something."

"I know that too Raph. But, it's something like a routine now, and I don't know how to start over. I'm aware that I'm hurting you all with this attitude I have, and it hurts me too, but I just don't know what to do to change that. I know that I've always known how with words, but for the first time I actually don't know what to say or how to explain this challenge that the life has put in my path as a leader. And brother as well."

Now it was Raph's turn to sigh. "You have the flair for dramatics Hamato Leonardo." Raph smirked. It actually made him feel better now that he made Fearless talk openly about him and what bothered him. He silently thanked the nightmare. And his own readiness to talk too.

Tonight was made up for changes.

"You know, it's not just the final battle with the Shredder that's been on my mind these past few months Raph." Leo said and by the look in his eyes that Raphael could not see there was hurt, pain, failure, and guilt all mixed up.

"What do you mean by that?" Raph asked baffled. He could see Leo struggling with himself and what to say next.

Suddenly Leo moved his head from his shoulder and he managed to lift himself up from the bed. He felt slightly dizzy and he was really thinking about talking to Don about that. His room was freezing at night and he was afraid that he caught a cold. He paced a little in his room to relax himself and his stiff legs when he sensed Raph's eyes on him. He knew that he started something that he needed to finish and he knew that Raph was waiting for this moment for almost 5 months and he wouldn't pass up this opportunity for nothing in the world.

He turned and looked at his red banded brother. "Do you remember the Ultimate Ninja and Drako appearing in our old lair and teleport each and every one of us in different places with no possible ways of us finding each other?"

Raph watched the guilt stricken face of his older brother and nodded, deciding that he'll not interrupt his brother in his talk unless he absolutely needed to say something.

"Mikey has been transported to an alternate universe where Master Splinter… Well Sliver was the bad guy. You were in some outer space where you raced with motorcycles, Don went to the future where Splinter was dead and we were all changed by the loss and the pain, and the Shredder had the full reign of NYC, and I… I was sent to feudal Japan. I was lucky that I had Usagi by my side while we fought against that snake, Lord Hebi. Then I saw the Daimyo actually holding a grudge against us, and I was scared, I feared for all of us… Master Splinter was in one of the cells. I couldn't get him out. Gyoji tried to help us, but it turned out that it was the Ultimate Drako. I thought I would never ever see any of you, again. It was pretty damn awful Raph. I guess I'm not fearless after all, huh?" He laughed bitterly, shifting his gaze to look everywhere but in Raph. "We were finally reunited Raph and I can't tell you how happy I was that we were finally together, that our family was finally together." He took a deep breath. "And then the Shredder happened once again."

"You know I pushed you down enough to talk Leo, but if you don't want to talk about it, just don't. Leave the matter where it is and I promise I will never make you talk about it."

Leo was surprised from the naked honesty he heard in Raph's voice. "I have to get it out of me Raph. I learned something from Master Splinter today. You have to share your fears and thoughts with someone to make it easier for you to carry them around. I realized that I've been excluding you out of my life long enough. I want that to change. I want us to change. I want us to be like we used to be before. Before the Shredder appeared. Before he nearly killed me. Before he did everything to wipe us off of Earth's face. To forget about every bad that happened, and to start anew, let the good overflow. I want to hit "delete" to my erratic behavior and the dark Leonardo I've become after we defeated the Shredder for good. I want us to be friends like we were, before I was named leader. I want us to be best friends like we once were. And in order for that to happen I need to tell you everything. No more secrets Raph."

Hamato Raphael has been surprised in his life very few times. He didn't like surprises in general and he got one very rarely. But, tonight he was surprised by the openness in Leonardo. He witnessed what unfolded in front of his eyes and he couldn't believe that his brother actually wanted to talk to him. He practically saw Leo stripping off his soul in front of him. And his heart ached because he didn't realize sooner what was wrong with his brother.

"It hurt Raph. It hurt that I had to decide that we should kill ourselves on that damned ship. I knew, we knew that there was no other way out of there, and it was our only chance left to defeat that monster... And that night I learned so many things. I guess that the life gives you lessons in every situation possible."

"Yeah, I guess it does." He looked in Leo's shell now and his eyes fell on that part where his shell was parched and closed in with a soft material that resembled the natural green color of his shell.

"I hated to see that bitch stabbing you Leo. Sorry that I couldn't stop her. I was close behind and I didn't see her coming when the Shredder pushed you…" his voice trailed off. Leo squeezed his eyes shut at the memory. "Sorry Leo."

"That was my price for saving her from a death fall." Leo said.

"Don't say that Leo. What you did was not giving up on your honor and all of that Bushido code thing you always babble about. Come on. Out of all four of us, you are the one that is the most honorable warrior, and nothing would change that. You acted on pure instinct and you didn't know that she was going to do that to you, although I don't think she planned it before."

"Yeah, I think that too. But, still. She betrayed me and my trust. I am really bad judge of character. I should've thought better of her going against Shredder's orders and following through. She was the Shredder's daughter. Her sense of honor and mine were different."

"You are always looking the good in people Leo. Maybe that's why you've been hurt so much in life. But, I believe that no matter what you do or what I say, you will still see the good in them. It's just you. Leonardo." Raph smiled at his brother that now turned to face him directly and finally dropped on the bed next to him, exhaustion clearly visible on his face. He didn't know if it was the conversation with Raph, or the headache he developed, but his body pleaded with him to just lie down in bed and sleep.

"Thank you for this conversation Raph." Leo said. "I needed this."

"I needed this too Fearless. I missed talking to you. I know that most of the time I shake you off my shell and I dismiss you easily, but most of the time I just wish that you stay a little longer and realize that I need you to talk to me and make me understand."

"The thing is we are very stubborn Raph. Both you and me. And neither one of us wants to let go off their grounds." He suddenly shivered and instinctively pulled himself closer to Raph.

"Leo, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I already feel better." Raph recognized a lie when he heard one. He knew that Leo wasn't better and that the slight shiver he picked up earlier and the heat radiating off of his body right now, showed him he was right. Leo was feeling worse than he said and he presumed that his older brother had already developed a fever. Leo caught up on the look in his brother's eyes and he decided that he'll follow through with his promise to Master Splinter.

"I feel a little cold. Damn this room is like a fridge Raph."

Raph put his hand on Leo's forehead and he pulled it instantly pulled it off of it. _Just what I thought_ , he said to himself. "You are burning up with fever, Leo. Lay down in bed. I will go and get Donnie. Just stay put. And don't go anywhere."

"Yeah, like I can move."

Leonardo listened to his brother, but it was hard for him to cover himself with the blanket because one of his arms was injured and hurt whenever he shifted positions, so Raph helped him get comfortable in the bed.

…

A week after the event in which Raph hurt Leonardo, everything went back to normal. Mikey teasing Raph. The latter lashing out at his youngest brother, Donatello constantly checking up on Leo to see if the cold was still present.

The fever broke on the second day since he got the cold, but his muscles were still sore and his eyes looked like he cried for days. Big, red and puffy. He was on heavy medication and fluids, and he spent most of his time sleeping with his brothers and father watching over him. He felt safe because he knew they were there for him. It was like something heavy was lifted from his shoulders after he talked with Raph.

Splinter was happy to see that his two older sons made up and settled their differences. But, he was far from letting this issue easily to be dismissed.

Leonardo woke up and lifted himself up from his bed. He felt dizzy and sick, but he decided that it would be nice if he joined his family for the morning. He was prohibited to train, he was prohibited to do anything that will aggravate his injury and he decided that he should listen to Don's orders. After all, he needed rest. With months all he did was push himself beyond limits.

"Morning guys."

"Good morning Leo." Said Don that was nursing his second cup of coffee that morning.

"Morning Leo." Mikey chirped. "Wanna eat?"

"No Mikey, I'm good. Later."

"Fine." Mikey sat on the table.

Soon Raph and Master Splinter joined the rest of the group. As they ate their breakfast Master Splinter decided it was the right time to bring the conversation that he long dreaded to have with his sons.

"Ahem." He cleared his throat, and that got the attention of all. "My sons," he started. "I want to talk to you about something very important. Although this matter concerns Leonardo and Raphael primarily, I want us all to agree on something. You know that we are a tight-knit family since we were mutated. There are few ingredients that are needed for that to exist. The ingredients are simple: love, care, sharing and understanding. And the last and most important thing, talk."

"What's that?" Donatello asked curious.

"I want us all to agree that there will be no more fights between you my sons. At least not fights that can lead to something fatal. If you have some problems with me, or with each other, you will talk with the said person and solve the problem. You are all big now, and you were taught better than this. You will all work on your training, and on your control." He eyed his son Raphael that had his head hung in shame. "Raphael!"

"Yes Sensei?"

"You do realize what you've done a week ago right?"

"Yes, Sensei."

"You caused pain to one of your brothers. And don't think that because I easily dismissed you that afternoon that I will tolerate you lashing out at your brother. Today it's Leonardo, tomorrow could be Michelangelo or Donatello. You really have to decide what you will do with your anger issue. Raphael," Splinter said sternly. "Your rash actions caused the injury on your brother's arm. That's not a thing that will go away in a few days like a bruise. And the words that you said to him-"

Leonardo interrupted his father in his talk. "Master Splinter, if I may?" Splinter nodded. "Father, we made up, please don't be mad at him. We talked and settled our differences, and I think that it's enough talking about this matter as it is. Let's leave it where it is, and not do something that will make future fights between us."

Master Splinter smiled at his eldest and cupped his cheek. He looked at the child that was there. He asked himself about what Raphael said to him that changed them both somehow.

"Okay, I see that this conversation will not make the impact I liked to… Maybe you are growing up and you don't want to listen to your dear old dad." Splinter sighed. "Makes me wondering where I went wrong with you four."

"Why won't you just admit that Leo convinced you Master Splinter?" Raph had that trademark smirk on his face. "After all he's your favorite son. Splinter Junior." Raph elbowed Leo in his right arm and Leo giggled at Raph's teasing. It was good to have his best friend back.

"Raphael!"

The others chuckled at the already familiar pattern between their father and the hothead that they missed for few months now. The chuckle turned into a full blast laughter and the walls in the lair echoed with the welcomed familiarity of the family's antics.


End file.
